So I suppose I am back writing journal entrys that are soon to be hidden away considering I no longer have a friend that I can truly confine in or trust to understand how I'm feeling, anyway. In all but a month almost now exactly I've lost pretty much everything that had made me happy for so long.
So what exactly do I do now that I lost that happiness? I've tried regaining it back through different means, and attempted to get my mind off of the loss through both non-extreme and extreme measures. Nothing seems to work. But that's besides the point, I suppose.
At the moment what's causing the most controversy in my mind is unanswered questions.
All of these questions just seem to repeat in my head consistently, and the more they do, the more pain it causes me. However, to get the answers I'd have to go out of my comfort zone and talk to ____ about it, which is something that I do not want to do.
____ already causes me enough pain in the day. Well, depends on the day, anyways. Some days we're friends and things go smooth and such, then in the next second it seems like it all crashed down and we went from square 2 or 3 to square -4. Trust me, that's not a very good square. Especially since it involves things, such as:
- Me being continuously put down
- ____ being extremely hurtful
- ____ confusing me
Though, the part that I don't get through it all when it does get that bad, why is it that I don't have a backbone towards it? I use to be a person which wouldn't take crap from anybody. Where I was a loner and I could handle being that way again. Did ____ really change me to the point to where I seriously brought all my guards down towards him that.. by some possibility.. I had grown so much trust for him and his promises that even though they are back up, he's able to find cracks and holes to sneak through to penetrate my protective barriers?
It seems like a mouthful, but it's a huge possibility. I've become numb from everything, even myself. He could spend an hour putting me down, and I just stare at it in a daze. (Trust me, it's happened) I can feel it wanting to hurt, wanting to beat at me, but there's nothing. Just a never ending feeling of blank.
Everything from the past, such as the relationship and the trip, seems to not even be real anymore. I barely remember it, did it even really happen? The friendship is something I remember. I want that same friendship back. As for the relationship.. I'm not even sure if it was a dream. I'm probably just typing it in here and it was just a long dream of me actually feeling I was happy. I regret the trip. I regret pushing the best thing in my life in to something that completely destroyed our bond. I didn't think it would have been possible to lose something as strong as I had felt for him. I was selfish for wanting to progress it in to more than friendship. I should have left it be. I should have not wanted it to be more. For me wanting it to be more, I lost everything. Do I regret him? No.. I regret being selfish and not just accepting that he was also the best thing in my life by just being my best friend.
I was starting to come out of the depression in which I had recently discovered. Have I come out of it? Not at all. I feel like something is holding me back. And I know exactly what it is, too.
You're probably thinking to yourself like "Oh, obviously it's ___ putting you down!" Actually. Wrong. No, it's not him putting me down. It's actually because I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to my life. Not him and I in a relationship, but just the friendship and bond we had shared before and during it. The friendship where I knew that if I ever felt like this, he'd lend me his hand and let me know that he was there for me every step of the way. Let me know that I was not alone.
This isn't offered anymore.
I am alone now, and it hurts terribly bad.
The only thing I want is the person that I had loved not just as a boyfriend. The person that I could trust. The person who was there for me to talk to and open up to, no matter what the situation. All I truly want is my friend. Not the one he's being now.. my true friend that I knew for several months that I could laugh with my full heart. My true friend that would be there for me no matter what. My true friend who I'd blush singing to because I felt too embarrassed to sing to my friends. The one true friend that in any situation at all could make me feel like in seconds it was all better.
I know that friend is there still.. somewhere.. if only I had it once more.
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