Weblog
Sunday, 01 February 2009
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DT says (11:25 AM):
It's a VERY rare trick, only a hand full of people on Santuary Server knows about it
Trapt Angel™ says (11:25 AM):
-Nods-
Trapt Angel™ says (11:25 AM):
how about one to forget Frolly?
Trapt Angel™ says (11:25 AM):
xD
DT says (11:25 AM):
That one's not difficult
Trapt Angel™ says (11:26 AM):
teach?
DT says (11:26 AM):
It's better if you didn't know
Trapt Angel™ says (11:26 AM):
Meh why
DT says (11:26 AM):
It's a very unforgiving mindset
Trapt Angel™ says (11:26 AM):
-shrugs-
Trapt Angel™ says (11:26 AM):
Im tired of the pain
Trapt Angel™ says (11:27 AM):
Teach me and ill decide if I want to or not?
DT says (11:27 AM):
It's a saying
DT says (11:27 AM):
"If you're not for me, you're against me"
Trapt Angel™ says (11:27 AM):
How often do I need to say that to myself
Trapt Angel™ says (11:27 AM):
xD
DT says (11:27 AM):
Until Frolly seems like the enemy.
DT says (11:28 AM):
Still, you need a really solid personality to pull it off
DT says (11:28 AM):
Even if you pull it off, you need a forgiving personality to pull out of oit
Trapt Angel™ says (11:28 AM):
I have an over-forgiving personality
Trapt Angel™ says (11:28 AM):
That's the sad part =/
Trapt Angel™ says (11:28 AM):
After all that Frolly has said to me, done to me
Trapt Angel™ says (11:29 AM):
I still forgive him and try to forget
DT says (11:29 AM):
Again, it's easy, because the saying is very cut-throat
DT says (11:29 AM):
It draws out the darker part of anyone's personality
Trapt Angel™ says (11:29 AM):
Ryan told me that if Frolly talks to me
DT says (11:29 AM):
so, be careful on how you use it
Trapt Angel™ says (11:29 AM):
To tell him I don't feel like talking
Trapt Angel™ says (11:29 AM):
an ignore him
Trapt Angel™ says (11:29 AM):
Show him how it feels
Trapt Angel™ says (11:29 AM):
o.o
Trapt Angel™ says (11:30 AM):
in 2 days I get put on Bipolar medication
DT says (11:31 AM):
Doctors are idiots
Trapt Angel™ says (11:31 AM):
lol
DT says (11:31 AM):
Cure the source, not the symptom, idiots
Trapt Angel™ says (11:32 AM):
how2cure Frolly
DT says (11:32 AM):
Start hating his guts
Trapt Angel™ says (11:33 AM):
It'd help if my friends would give me reasons
Trapt Angel™ says (11:33 AM):
start reminding me why
Trapt Angel™ says (11:33 AM):
bash it into my head
Trapt Angel™ says (11:33 AM):
to where I start to believe it
DT says (11:34 AM):
For one, he didn't seem to stand up for you at all during his little incident
DT says (11:34 AM):
No guts to even hear you out
Trapt Angel™ says (11:34 AM):
very true
DT says (11:35 AM):
Stupid enough to not even tell you what's really going on.
Trapt Angel™ says (11:35 AM):
So stupid that he doesnt even know what he wants
DT says (11:35 AM):
He causes you endless amounts of pain, all for his own selfish reasons
DT says (11:35 AM):
There's no part of what he's doing that's for you
DT says (11:36 AM):
Yet you're the one giving it your all
Trapt Angel™ says (11:36 AM):
-Nods- Very true
DT says (11:36 AM):
He's driving you insane, and what does he do? Block you
Trapt Angel™ says (11:36 AM):
LOL yeah
Trapt Angel™ says (11:36 AM):
How pathetic
DT says (11:38 AM):
There's a limit to how dense a person can be
DT says (11:38 AM):
Does it even look like he cares about what you were thinking about the last few times?
Trapt Angel™ says (11:39 AM):
nope
DT says (11:39 AM):
From what I see, it's only him talking about himself
Trapt Angel™ says (11:39 AM):
Yup
DT says (11:39 AM):
He can talk, but he won't listen
DT says (11:39 AM):
Is it REALLY worth it to love someone like that?
Trapt Angel™ says (11:39 AM):
No. It's not.
DT says (11:40 AM):
If he does this now, it just goes to show it's part of his personality
Trapt Angel™ says (11:40 AM):
Yup
Trapt Angel™ says (11:40 AM):
So the 7 months I knew him was pretty much a lie, in my eyes.
DT says (11:40 AM):
Not a lie
DT says (11:40 AM):
But shown you only one side of the coin
DT says (11:41 AM):
And now you're being shown the other side of the coin
Trapt Angel™ says (11:41 AM):
yup
Trapt Angel™ says (11:41 AM):
seems like a one-headed coin
DT says (11:41 AM):
Here's the thing
DT says (11:41 AM):
What he's doing
DT says (11:42 AM):
Makes it seem like HE is the victim
Trapt Angel™ says (11:42 AM):
yeah
Trapt Angel™ says (11:42 AM):
that's what he's been doing
DT says (11:43 AM):
If anything, there's really no longer any reason to like the person. He's gone way beyond sour.
Trapt Angel™ says (11:43 AM):
-Nods-
Trapt Angel™ says (11:43 AM):
Stupid warhead.
DT says (11:45 AM):
The "Price" for him is far too high
DT says (11:45 AM):
that and he's pretty defective as a "product"
Trapt Angel™ says (11:45 AM):
LOL
Trapt Angel™ says (11:45 AM):
xD
DT says (11:45 AM):
So, after seeing all these things...
DT says (11:46 AM):
It's fair to say that you'd do better without him than with him
Trapt Angel™ says (11:46 AM):
-Nods-
Trapt Angel™ says (11:46 AM):
Ima save this convo and look over it every morning
Trapt Angel™ says (11:46 AM):
xD!
Trapt Angel™ says (11:53 AM):
God I wanna fucking hate him so bad
Trapt Angel™ says (11:53 AM):
Everyday that goes by that he doesn't talk to me, it seems like I care less
DT says (11:54 AM):
It's really easy to hate the guy for my personality
DT says (11:54 AM):
The give and take is off by far too much
DT says (11:54 AM):
Giver 110%, receive 15%... if even that much
Trapt Angel™ says (11:57 AM):
It seems like everytime I think bad of the guy..
Trapt Angel™ says (11:57 AM):
It seems like I try to make excuses for him
Trapt Angel™ says (11:58 AM):
Trying to say that it's my fault that it seems like he hates me, etc etc. But the realization of it all.. is that after the trip.. I gave him the same care I gave before the whole love ordeal. So I guess the answer to the riddle is that really, it's not me, but he bashes it in to me like it's my fault.
Trapt Angel™ says (11:58 AM):
I just need someone to constantly remind me that it's him, not me, and he doesn't deserve forgiveness
DT says (11:59 AM):
Simple
DT says (11:59 AM):
"If you're not for me, you're against me"
Trapt Angel™ says (12:03 PM):
-Nods-
Trapt Angel™ says (12:03 PM):
That's the mind set I really need.
Trapt Angel™ says (12:03 PM):
But just for him.
Trapt Angel™ says (12:03 PM):
Not other's.
Trapt Angel™ says (12:03 PM):
Only the ones who have severely hurt me
DT says (12:04 PM):
As egotistical as it seems, I'm probably the only one that can give you strong advice.
Trapt Angel™ says (12:28 PM):
Good
Trapt Angel™ says (12:28 PM):
Because I need it
Trapt Angel™ says (1:07 PM):
-sigh-
DT says (1:08 PM):
?
Trapt Angel™ says (1:08 PM):
Bash moar please ><
Trapt Angel™ says (1:08 PM):
Seriously. Good strong advice, good strong bashing
Trapt Angel™ says (1:08 PM):
because he got on TO when I was training and a friend asked me about him -.-
DT says (1:09 PM):
Start mentally calling him traitor and the rest will sort itself out
Trapt Angel™ says (1:10 PM):
Will do
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
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So I suppose I am back writing journal entrys that are soon to be hidden away considering I no longer have a friend that I can truly confine in or trust to understand how I'm feeling, anyway. In all but a month almost now exactly I've lost pretty much everything that had made me happy for so long.
So what exactly do I do now that I lost that happiness? I've tried regaining it back through different means, and attempted to get my mind off of the loss through both non-extreme and extreme measures. Nothing seems to work. But that's besides the point, I suppose.
At the moment what's causing the most controversy in my mind is unanswered questions.
All of these questions just seem to repeat in my head consistently, and the more they do, the more pain it causes me. However, to get the answers I'd have to go out of my comfort zone and talk to ____ about it, which is something that I do not want to do.
____ already causes me enough pain in the day. Well, depends on the day, anyways. Some days we're friends and things go smooth and such, then in the next second it seems like it all crashed down and we went from square 2 or 3 to square -4. Trust me, that's not a very good square. Especially since it involves things, such as:
- Me being continuously put down
- ____ being extremely hurtful
- ____ confusing me
Though, the part that I don't get through it all when it does get that bad, why is it that I don't have a backbone towards it? I use to be a person which wouldn't take crap from anybody. Where I was a loner and I could handle being that way again. Did ____ really change me to the point to where I seriously brought all my guards down towards him that.. by some possibility.. I had grown so much trust for him and his promises that even though they are back up, he's able to find cracks and holes to sneak through to penetrate my protective barriers?
It seems like a mouthful, but it's a huge possibility. I've become numb from everything, even myself. He could spend an hour putting me down, and I just stare at it in a daze. (Trust me, it's happened) I can feel it wanting to hurt, wanting to beat at me, but there's nothing. Just a never ending feeling of blank.
Everything from the past, such as the relationship and the trip, seems to not even be real anymore. I barely remember it, did it even really happen? The friendship is something I remember. I want that same friendship back. As for the relationship.. I'm not even sure if it was a dream. I'm probably just typing it in here and it was just a long dream of me actually feeling I was happy. I regret the trip. I regret pushing the best thing in my life in to something that completely destroyed our bond. I didn't think it would have been possible to lose something as strong as I had felt for him. I was selfish for wanting to progress it in to more than friendship. I should have left it be. I should have not wanted it to be more. For me wanting it to be more, I lost everything. Do I regret him? No.. I regret being selfish and not just accepting that he was also the best thing in my life by just being my best friend.
I was starting to come out of the depression in which I had recently discovered. Have I come out of it? Not at all. I feel like something is holding me back. And I know exactly what it is, too.
You're probably thinking to yourself like "Oh, obviously it's ___ putting you down!" Actually. Wrong. No, it's not him putting me down. It's actually because I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to my life. Not him and I in a relationship, but just the friendship and bond we had shared before and during it. The friendship where I knew that if I ever felt like this, he'd lend me his hand and let me know that he was there for me every step of the way. Let me know that I was not alone.
This isn't offered anymore.
I am alone now, and it hurts terribly bad.
The only thing I want is the person that I had loved not just as a boyfriend. The person that I could trust. The person who was there for me to talk to and open up to, no matter what the situation. All I truly want is my friend. Not the one he's being now.. my true friend that I knew for several months that I could laugh with my full heart. My true friend that would be there for me no matter what. My true friend who I'd blush singing to because I felt too embarrassed to sing to my friends. The one true friend that in any situation at all could make me feel like in seconds it was all better.
I know that friend is there still.. somewhere.. if only I had it once more.
Saturday, 27 December 2008
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Just a random place for me to store my writing =)
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So you decided to just leave me in the dark
so many nights that you said you couldn't be apart
but now the truth comes out and it's all that I'll ever know
because without you my day's sunshine faded to snow
I thought we were strong, I thought we were great
but now that you're gone, I can't make it through my day
So where are you now? Are you missing me too?
Cause every moment gone I feel I can't make it through.
Are you coming back?
Will you be mine to hold?
The last night was great,
why'd you suddenly turn so cold?
I miss your arms holding on to me tight,
the embrace that helped me make it through the night.
I want you to be mine, to hold my hand in this life,
but the pain that you gave me cut straight through like a knife.
You had the key to my soul,
I thought that you'd leave it whole
I should of known you hurt me
It was so obviously plain to see
But I thought we were strong, I thought we were great
but now that you're gone I can't make it through my day
So where are you now? Are you missing me too?
Cause every moment gone I feel I can't make it through.
Can you come back to me now?
Just take my arm again.
I want to feel your embrace,
your hand touch my skin.
You're everything I wanted, every piece of my soul
When you're gone it's hard for me to feel totally whole.
I just want my guy, I just want my faith
I want to feel my love, but all I can feel right now is hate.
All because I thought we were strong, I had known we were great
But somehow you let your fear get in our way.
You should have been fine, I know that we could
Now that I'm gone I'm missing you more than I should..
It's all because I thought we were strong,
I thought you were great
I knew it'd be hard,
I never thought we could fade.
I want to take it slow,
I want to make us last,
I just want to feel like we did in the past...
I'm the exact same girl,
I'm the exact same face,
I want you to look and
you think of me the same.
I'll always be yours,
I still love you so,
I just wish I could tell you
without feeling so alone..
SeineLiebe
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- Member Since: 12/27/2008
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